Monday we got a call letting us know our in vitro won’t work this time.

So what now? Now, we cling to your prayers and your love, and beyond that, we're not sure. In these years of trying to have a baby, we have had hopeful weeks of exciting anticipation of becoming parents, we just assume we’re going to get pregnant. We don’t “plan” on it not working; we “plan” on it working. We share ideas about a nursery or wander in the aisles of Target looking at infant clothing, not outline an action plan for disappointment.

So, for the next few days, or weeks, (I don’t know), we will grieve our loss, not “figure out” what’s next. So far, in just a matter of hours, both of us have bounced around many places grief takes us – sadness, anger, disbelieve, numbness. You name it.

What is such a gift is that you have been so good to us for checking how we are doing and sharing your thoughts and prayers. We know you have been hoping only the best for us. I was looking forward to putting up a new post on the blog letting you know it worked. But, it won’t be today.

Our pastor, Pastor Carol, has been so kind to us and sent us of to Fargo a couple weeks ago with a service of blessing. The prayers she offered have meant so much to us and will continue to be. Maybe someday I can share those with you. She also shared with us scripture from the Psalms. Right before we took off for Fargo for this hopeful event, she shared with us the words of Psalm 139. Psalm 139 also happened to be the same scripture we used at our wedding 11 years ago.

We would love to continue to have your prayers and if you can, take a look at Psalm 139.

We do have another appointment on Wednesday, but without promising news from the first blood test, it’s not an appointment that will change these results.

There is no doubt about it—we are heart-broken about this and surrounded by so much love and prayers.

Thank you.

Psalm 139
1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, [a] you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

Why am I in Texas?

Because of some miscalculations taken in November, I am typing this from a Super 8 in Austin...Texas.

Last fall it made tons of sense to travel 1,539 miles due south to figure out How Institutional Advancement must Evolve in our Internet-enabled Society and learn How to Develop and Implement Strategies for Successfully Cultivating and Soliciting Major Gifts. And why wouldn't I want to enhance my Fundraising through Multi-Channel Marketing?

Honestly, I am looking forward to this Association of Lutheran Development Executives conference, but my girlfriend is trying to get pregnant!

After doing a little Internet research this morning, I have learned that today is called "8dp3dt" That is code for 8 Days Past 3 Day Transfer. Which means it has been 8 days since we transferred 3-day old embryos.

Monday Betsy will go in for a blood test. Some people call it "beta" test or HCG test. Betsy's in Berthold this weekend with my parents and I imagine that they are having a great time. My mom and dad are probably looking on the Internet and Betsy is thinking, "Okay, RD and Rose. Let's do something different than look at the internet!" (Mom or dad - if you are reading this right now and Betsy is standing in the living room looking at you, then just slowly close your computer and say something to her :)

Well, I better get to the airport. I have to go back to the airport to get on a shuttle to another motel.

I probably should go to the exercise room! This morning I ate a Texas-shaped waffle in the continental breakfast room...plus bacon...plus a sausage muffin...plus some more bacon. Anyways, I walked by what I thought was a opening in the wall and saw a kinda-chubby guy wearing the same shirt I was. Well, after a second look, I noticed that it was a mirror, not a hole in the wall. That chubby guy with man-boobs was me!

When your wife is trying to get larger, I don't think I was supposed to get larger, too!

Talk to you soon!

Jokes and Kabobs

Again, if you are every looking for some fun friends, you can find some good candidates in the Bottineau/Metigoshe area. I thought we were just going to have a quiet evening eating Kabobs last night, but conversation led to us laughing so hard our cheeks hurt.

Just wanted to give you a little update.

Betsy's belly is starting to look like Rocky Balboas face! Betsy has to give herself a shot in the stomach twice a day and it leaves a black & blue mark each time. I've suggested strategically giving the shots so the bruise marks make a smilely face or the initials "KD." So far it just looks like she has had several ballpoint pins exploded on her stomach.

Monday is our next important day, along with this coming Wednesday. Monday is a day that important hormone levels are tested and Wednesday will be the day to take a pregnancy test.

We are just trying to do everything we can to stay busy, rather than just sitting and waiting.

Hope you have a good weekend. Talk to you soon.

Nothing says "Welcome back home" like a vagina cookie

Geez, we got awesome friends.

We got home Monday and we were excited to see our friends Brian, Anna, and Katie. They brought us some great gifts:

1. Balloons

2. Beef jerky

3. M&Ms and Milk Duds

4. Liquid Gold brand toilet paper

5. A good movie and cd

6. Gatorade

7. Tacos

8. And then there's one thing I do not my parents to know about (To everyone except my parents, if I see you sometime I'll tell you. But I don't even think Betsy wants me to tell you.)

Anyways, for dessert, Anna, who is a kick-ass nurse, decided to makes us something special. We were not allowed to come into the kitchen area as the masterpiece was being assembled.

However, at one point, she panicked because she could not find her licorice. The only thing we could offer were Gummy Worms, and she thought they would suffice.

Well, it was time to unveil the mysterious delicatessen and you know what it was? It was a cookie...in the shape of a vagina.

(Betsy has this editorial comment she insisted I add: "This model is far more than just a vagina. Kyle is just writing that for shock value. It is actually a very good representation of the female reproductive system. Betsy said that if one of her anatomy/physiology students had created this as a final project, she would likely give him/her an A. So, good job, Anna. Four years at Luther College and a board certified RN - you know your reproductive anatomy!")

Who makes that kinda stuff? What a bizarre treat? Here it is:

If you look closely, you can tell that it is more than just a vagina. It also included the uterus, fallopian tubes made of Gummy Worms, and ovaries made of vanilla ice cream.

As a science lesson, I explained how the embryos were placed in the uterus. (The embryos, which are actually two Milk Duds, can be seen in the MIP. (Maximul Implantation Point)

I also was able to sneak a picture of Betsy in her sweatpants. (Did I tell you she has two pair of the same exact pant?)

Well, today the embryos have been in Betsy's oven for 3 days. Hopefully "Valen" and "Tino" have settled in and found a comfy spot to rest for 40 weeks. They were at 8 cells on Saturday, and today there could be 100 or more. This is what it probably looks like:

Well, I better go get Betsy a snack. (It won't be ice cream, however. Last night she used the Peppermint Ice Cream to freeze her butt check a little before I gave her a shot. After the shot, we cleaned up everything...except the ice cream. This morning when Betsy went into the bathroom, there was a half gallon of Peppermint Ice Cream melted all over the toilet tank. The only plus is that it smells nice in our bathroom right now.)

Sweatpants and finding a parking spot.

Remember those gray sweatpants I told you about? The Joe Boxer sweatpants from K-Mart - they are men's large sweatpants with nice elastic cuffs.

Well, we were driving back home today and this is what happened.

"Kyle."

"Yes."

"I'm looking forward to being at home and going back to the office, but here's the problem."

"What's the problem?"

"I don't want to stop wearing these sweatpants."

"Oh, sweetheart, I think it's time to stop wearing the sweatpants."

"Really?"

"Ah, really. Here's a little bit of advice. If we feel like you have been wearing the same pair of sweatpants too many days in a row, you probably are wearing your sweatpants too many days in a row."

It's now been over 48 hours since the embryo transfer and our hope is that both the embryos have found a parking spot in Betsy's oven. On Saturday, as I watched the embryo transfer on the ultrasound screen, Bob (the ultrasound guy) said, "okay, that looks perfect!"

At that point, all I could see is what looked like a miniature white eel swimming to the left. That Bob, he must know what he's doing because I have no idea how he knew when to tell the doctor to squeeze the trigger.

We're now home and looking forward to the next week, or so. We received doctor's orders that Betsy is not to do the laundry, wash dishes, vacuum, cook, or eat bamboo shoots. (That last one seems weird, I know. I don't know what that is all about.)

Sometime tonight I hope to sneak a picture of Betsy and her sweatpants. I'll post it if I can do it secretly.

Valium Kicks Betsy's Butt

First of all, if you find yourself in a contest where you have to choose one partner to take narcotic drugs, don't pick Betsy.

She is such a light-weight when it comes to mind-altering drugs.

Don't get me wrong, I'm pleased with that fact, but she is knocked out right now because she had to take Valium for this procedure that happened this morning.

We had instructions to be at the clinic this morning at 8:45 am for, what people in the biz call, the embryo transfer.

Just to give you a visual, Betsy decided to wear KMart brand grey sweatpants with elastic cuffs and she looked good! You don't have to wear fancy lingerie to get pregnant anymore, you can just wear sweatpants.

Here is another little tidbit - Betsy had to come with a full bladder which makes it easier to do the transfer. (If you need more information about that, just let me know.) But to keep it simple, she arrived at 8:45 kinda wanting to pee.

So, the first thing that happens is acupuncture! Can you believe it?! MeritCare's reproductive clinic has a 20% increase in pregnancy rates for people who do acupuncture when doing IVF.

An MD does the acupuncture and she was awesome. I don't understand it, but I'm glad to hear it helps. She started by pokin' a little needle in Betsy's head. Then the doctor looked at Betsy's thumb carefully, said "okay," then shoved two more needles into her calves. Then the doctor held her hand up to Betsy's and said, "yep." Then she popped two more needles into her belly!

It's strange, I know. But this type of procedure helps the blood flow to the "oven." (People in the medical field...well, I guess most people, call it the uterus, not the oven.)

While we wait for the acupuncture procedure to be completed, other people start coming in with a variety of clamps, very large Q-tips, and something that sounded like a bug zapper.

Our doctor, Dr. Dahl, came in and she was pumped! She told us that 8 of those 12 fertilized eggs were still growing! And that is great!! The picture above shows the two best embryos. The top right one was GRADE 1 and the other was GRADE 2. Grade 1 embryos are not easy to get, so Betsy and I shared a high five. (But I had to be careful - she had about 14 needles in her at that point.)

So, the plan was made to transfer 2 and freeze the other 6. Those can be used later if we want. We would just come back, they'd take them out the fridge and leave them on the counter to thaw out, then put them in.

Anyways, after 25 minutes of acupuncture and making sure that they were taking the correct embryos from the lab, it was time for the actual transfer.

Remember how I said Betsy had to pee at 8:45 am? Well, it's now 10:00 am and still no good time to pee.

Next, a masked lady comes into the room and says, "Debertin two." That means she is carrying two embryos in a syringe from the Debertin family. If she would have walked in and said, "Johnson three." I would've had to use my hockey goalie skills and stand between the pipes to make sure they weren't going to put the wrong ones in. (When I say stand between the pipes, I mean stirrups. But saying "standing between the pipes" sounds cooler.)

So, in the room, there is the doctor, Bob the ultrasound guy, the masked lady, and then some other stranger walked in, too. Not sure who she was. Anyways, there were 6 of us in the room. Betsy didn't get to see from her angle, but I, along with the other four, got to watch everything on the ultrasound screen. It was awesome.

Anyways, during this time I decided to say, "Betsy, usually there wasn't this many people in the bedroom." The problem was that Betsy laughed a little. so the doctor had to scold us, slightly, for laughing. I guess when your placing embryos in a uterus, you shouldn't make any movements in the belly area. When she laughed, I saw her "innards" wiggle on the ultrasound screen. Oops, sorry Betsy for the joke.

Actually, the doctor wasn't really upset. I think she just was surprised to have her patient laughing during a sorta important part of the process.

So, the embryos went in at 10:20 am. Wow.

Then it was time for 25 more minutes of acupuncture. Remember that "bug zapper" sound I mentioned? Well, she took this little zapping tool and put it up to Betsy's ears to look for a good point to poke. Betsy was a trooper. 10 more needles and then 25 more minutes of relaxing. The problem was now she was really needing to go to the bathroom. She chugged a liter bottle of water on the car ride in and now she was about to explode! She made it to 20 minutes then had to call it. It was time to pee.

So, I held Betsy's hand while she walked to the bathroom while wearing one of those hospital gowns on. I was dying to say some sort of joke about her butt checks showing, but we had already gotten in trouble once for laughing, so I didn't want to push my luck. But I'll tell you one thing, Betsy "high on Valium" with her cute tush showing is so dang funny! She also has two Sharpie marker circles on her butt!

Betsy got a hug from the nurse and then we were free to go. So today is just a resting day. We will either come home Sunday or Monday.

Then we wait.

Well, I better go get some snacks for Betsy. Talk to you soon.

Minor regional television celebrity and a helpful poster

Geez, I love the West Acres Food Court.

I could eat most of my meals in that beautiful sanctuary of food goodness. Today, Betsy and I had lunch at the mall. If I was by myself, or with Brian, I would've ordered the number 1 combo at McDonalds AND a 6-piece chicken McNugget. Betsy, though, thought we should start with a salad.

I say, "Salad? I don't know if you have forgotten, but I go to the gym. Nobody every says, 'Man, I've been building so much muscle mass since eating more salad.'"

We shared a salad.

Anyways, after eating our salad, I then went and got a McDouble. (For those of you that are unaware, the McDouble replaced the Double Cheeseburger on the McDonalds' Dollar Menu. It is a double cheeseburger, except it only has one piece of cheese, not two. Damn recession. That economic stimulus package better have some cheese stimulus.)

While I was in line, low-n-behold, there was Hutch Johnson, the weather guy from KVLY in Fargo. Every night this week I felt like he was going to explode out of the the TV screen into the Nielsen family room! Anyways, he is a giant and he loves McDonalds.

I was also going to ask you a question about Bluetooth technology, but I thought I should give you a little fertility update.

Saturday morning we will be going to the clinic and two embryos will be put into some sort of syringe and then returned to Betsy's uterus. She has to come with a full bladder, so my plan is to tell a bunch of funny jokes on the car ride into town just to mess with her a little bit. (However, just so you know, if she says, "Alright Kyle, that's about enough," I am going to back off.)

Okay, if you love posters just as much as I do, you can take a look at http://www.firstivf.net/ivf_steps.jpg

It is a poster explaining exactly what we are doing. There are some nice diagrams, if you are into nice diagrams and stuff like that.

Hope you are having a good day. We are doing very well - Betsy is very mushy after a facial she got as a gift from a friend. She also got a pedicure for her birthday - she got sparkly purple toenail polish. She was too shy, however, to take her socks off during her last procedure to show off her sparkly toes to the doctor! (However, I don't think they are looking at feet when you are at a fertility clinic.)

Talk to you soon.

The Debertin Dirty Dozen

Okay, Betsy was willing to squeeze out 21 follicles yesterday. Follicles, I think, are like small water balloons in the ovary. In each follicle there is a potential to have an egg. (It all depends on the estrogen. If you have 21 follicles and low estrogen - there are very few eggs. Betsy was pumpin' out the estrogen - they sucked out 21 follicles and 18 of them had eggs!)

So, this morning the clinic called and said that 12 ended up getting fertilized. That is very good, clinically speaking. If you would get 12 out of 18 on one of Betsy's science quizzes when she was a teacher, you would probably fail that quiz. But when it comes to sperm conquering eggs, those are good numbers. Our friend, Maurya "Hottie McTottie" Laqua, calls them the "Debertin Dirty Dozen."

Now we gotta wait.

So we did some work this morning then headed to Barnes and Noble. That's where Betsy took a nap and I did some other stuff. She looked like someone who had no home - she just walked into B&N and slumped down into a stuffed chair and started snoozing.

We knew we could do this because two years ago we took a vacation to Fargo and MSP. The year prior to that we had been to some warm place in the Caribbean, but thought we would try something different. However, we missed just napping in a warm place. So, instead, we just went to Barnes & Noble and both took two-hour naps.

Oh, I almost forgot. Betsy now has to get a shot in the ass every evening. (Sorry if I offend you when I say, "every evening.") Anyways, most shots are a water-based liquid. The stuff she has to take now is made of sesame oil. It's kinda like taking a needle, sucking in some movie theater butter flavoring, and squeezing it into her butt check. She starts by putting a half-gallon of Cass Clay Homemade Vanilla ice cream on her butt to numb her check. It's so weird to say, "Alright honey, take the ice cream off your butt. I gotta give you a shot."

Other highlights of the day:
1. contemplated buying a commercial pizza oven at Sam's Club
2. went to the movie "She's just not that in to you" with 47 other women and one other dude
3. read some disturbing bathroom stall poems in SunMart at 6:45 am
4. ate too much sauerkraut at a NDSU Bison basketball game
5. tried to text message - I still can figure "t9"ing
6. got creeped out by the creepy lady at "Space Aliens" who stared directly at our foreheads
7. worried about taking too many fiber pills (bought a box of 220 assorted fruit flavored Fiber Choice pills at Sam's on Tuesday. The grape, green apple, and strawberry are delish. However, should not have eaten all three at one time.)

Alright, I'll let you know if there is any new news on Friday.

Rather than trying to explain everything that has happened up until this point, I am going to just start from today. But here is a one-sentence review of the last four years:

Lotta sex, even some doctor-ordered, but nothing seems to happen nine months later.

On to today:

Today, February 11, 2009, was the day doctors sucked out 21 follicles out of Betsy's ovaries.

Prior to today, Betsy has been taking a load of medications. For the past week Betsy has been sitting by the kitchen table each evening mixing up stuff in little bottles and giving herself shots. Betsy first started taking injectable medication at least a year ago. The first time she took it, it involved holding an ice cube on her stomach for ten minutes, laying on a couch, covering her eyes, and then me poking her.

She has now progressed to having me pull over on the side of the road, and within a minute she is done giving herself a shot and is saying, "Alright Debertin, let's get going."

Sunday night she had to take a different medication that involved me giving her a shot in the butt! We were at the doctor's office on Saturday and she took a Sharpie marker to make two circles on her arse. (Sorta like "bullseyes" for me to use.)

Anyways, Sunday night at precisely 10:00 pm I was supposed to give her this shot. Her past needles have been pretty short and into the stomach. This needle was 2 inches long and I had to do it!

We were standing in her parents' bathroom at 10 pm and I said, "HERE WE GO!" (Then I was slightly scolded - she thought I was being a clown, but, in fact I was just trying to convey the significance of the shot at this moment in our lives.) (Sometime our styles of humor don't match when I have a huge needle in my hand and I am about to give her a shot in her bum.) (By the way, I went to school for public relations, not nursing. The closest thing to a shot that I have given is trying to get a straw into a Capri Sun juice pouch.)

This past Monday we had another appointment and went pretty well. We had been getting good reports, but on Monday the doctor was concerned that Betsy may have too much Estrogen. Having too much would mean we would need to postpone this IVF cycle. We were not mentally prepared for the news, so the next 7 hours waiting for the blood results were a bit stressful.

At 2:oo she called - no results. At 2:45 - no results. Then at 3:30 pm she called and the Estrogen was okay! I did some sort of hip-hop dance move on the kitchen floor. Betsy just smiled and said, "come here and give me a hug!"

That brings us to today - Wednesday. We went to the clinic - I skipped going to the gym. (That sounds arrogant, but my father-in-law, Al, invited me to join him at the gym every morning this week. (By the way, we are staying in Fargo right now with Betsy's parents) Anyways, we leave for the gym at 5:35 am! I've been to "a gym" twice in my life and I have no clue what I am doing! I mostly go around and try a machine for a few minutes, fake some stretches, disinfect my machine, then move over to the weights.)

So instead of sweating on a rowing machine, we went to the clinic where Betsy had surgery and I "visited my aunt."

(If you look at the title of this Blog, there is a quick explanation of "visiting my aunt.")

We went to our clinic and Betsy got to be the first person to get her follicles sucked out. I have very few details about how this happens, but I do know she is under anesthesia and there's a long needle.

After Betsy was in recovery, I got to go see how she was doing. A few weeks ago she had to have a minor surgery where she was put under. That time, when she was in recovery, she cried when she told me how good her peanut-butter toast was.

This time she didn't cry - she just introduced me to everyone in the recovery room. Soon the doctor walked in and he was wearing scrubs that had pictures of 5000 fish on them. We said, "Hey, nice scrubs."

He said, "Hey, have you ever been to Key West?"

I said, "Yep. All I saw were chickens."

He said, "Oh, there's also a whole store full of scrubs!"

Anyways, he told us they got 21 follicles and 16 of those were good!

That's good news! Unlike West Coast IVF where the octoplets were conceived, here they will only place 2 embryos. So, we will not have our own cable show when this is all done.

So, today the eggs will be fertilized in a petri dish, not a test tube. (Test tube babies are actually petri dish babies - "test tube" just sounds cooler.)

Tomorrow we will find out how many of those 16 actually got fertilized and then Saturday they will put two back into Betsy.

Well, that's all I got right now. I'll keep you up-to-date.
Kyle